By then it's too late." —Frank Sinatra. ― A. Doug Larson. "Keep yourself positive, cheerful and goal-oriented. Jeff Garlin Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. Author Unknown The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. Let's face it—at my age, I'm very pleased to be anywhere." —George Burns (comedian) "The trouble with quotes about death is that 99.9% of them are made by people who are still alive." —Joshua Burns. "You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." When I get older, by the time I retire…. I recently turned sixty. ~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow 5. - Mindy Kaling. Retirement: That's when you return from work one day and say, "Hi, Honey, I"m home - forever.". If you can't annoy somebody, there's little point in writing. 12. Happy. 75 funny quotes and sayings - short quotes that are funny words | humorous quotes, cool quotes, quotes funny. 7. ― Jasper Fforde, The Woman Who Died a Lot. 14. and 2nd rule: Just do it! When autocomplete results are available use up and down arrows to review and enter to select. ". Sales success is 80 percent attitude and only 20 percent aptitude.". Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. - Unknown. Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. But not today.". George Burns Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman… or a bad woman. "The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age." —Lucille Ball. This collection of funny quotes is all about happiness. "If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote.". - Mark Twain. Not on purpose." - Steven Wright. A. Milne, Winnie The Pooh. "You don't stop laughing when you grow old. Gently accept your humanness.". You've got to do what's right for you, even if it hurts some people you love. - Kingsley Amis. Man invented the alarm clock. 13."Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.". "An autobiography usually reveals nothing about its writer except his memory." - Franklin P. Jones. - Gene Perret. ~ Oscar Wilde. - Gilbert K. Chesterton. Practically a third of my life is over. My courage always rises at every attempt to intimidate me. 21. 11."The worst of work nowadays is what happens to people when they cease to work.". Then I want to move in with them.". That's what people remember." - by Terry Pratchett. Inspirational, Life, Motivational. People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. It was so long ago that my dream cast was Ben Stiller, Chris Farley, and Chris Rock. "If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal . Albert Einstein. Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love. If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles. 9. Frank Zappa Important, Life Is, Things To Do 258 Copy quote Show source I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed! You grow old when you stop laughing.". Recipes are like a dating service. See more ideas about funny quotes, stupid people, quotes. "You don't stop laughing when you grow old, you grow old when you stop laughing.". ― Lailah Gifty Akita. Yes I am weird, weird is good. Basta Bisaya, Gwapa ug Gwapo "Fortune knocks but once, but misfortune has much more patience.". Mitch Hedberg It's okay if you don't like me. A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: Long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest. Friend 2: I'm having a baby. I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it. You know it's time to retire when the guys ask you if you're "getting any," you think it means sleep. 1. If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried. As I grow older and wiser, I've begun to understand how little I understand. 100 funny sayings, quotes, and phrases to hopefully brighten your or someone else's day. "You are only young once. Courage is knowing what not to fear. Normal is overrated. Albert Einstein. 1. Fake people have an image to maintain, real people just don't give a shit. "My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. That's one of my mottos." —Stanley Hudson, The Office 2. 8. 49. "When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw. Dont stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. #1: "I used to have functioning brain cells, but I traded them in for children.". Friend 3: I'm getting married Me: I'm headed to the airport. I can't figure it out. Because we all want to be happy - it's something that most people strive for. Fake friends are everywhere. Today. "Beware the fury of a patient man.". And you know, we're just not quitters . -Unknown There's nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn't any. 18 : Chase - famous book writer. There is a stubbornness about me that never can bear to be frightened at the will of others. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. It's building that self-efficacy in that kind of dialogue that you're having with yourself," Fader says. Jill Soloway I had a dream cast when Dan first went off and wrote 'Ghostbusters 3' by himself. Funny Quotes About Life 1. Real seriousness in regard to writing is one of two absolute necessities. Leaving you with one last funny quote about work, "If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter." ~ John Gotti. Chelsea Handler. Style. "Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings." - by Robert Benchley. Life moves pretty fast. "Just tell me when and where and I'll be there 20 minutes late.". My philosophy of dating is to just fart right away. "I will text you 50 times in a row and feel no shame. "If you have the ability to love, love yourself first.". The important thing to remember is that I'm . Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing you keep yours. ― Meir Ezra. 268 likes. After that you have to . - Gene Perret. There's only one true superpower amongst human beings, and that is being funny. So I do it three or four times a day. Funny, Travel, Memories 36 Copy quote The most important thing to do in your life is to not interfere with somebody else's life. 23. "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.". 14 : Another clever funny quote from Dorothy. The people are fucked." - George Carlin Carlin was well known for his . - Tom Hirshfield 3. and 2nd rule: Just do it! Joan Smalls You shouldn't get too close to the truth, because then maybe you stop being funny. — Brian Tracy. Funny Quotes About WritingGroup 3. Your mission: Be so busy loving your life that you have no time for hate, regret or fear. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen. "Patience: What you have when there are too many witnesses.". "I wish people came with a 30 second trailer. - Jules Renard. 12th of 60 Funny Motivational Quotes. Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. "If you listen very quietly, it sounds like the rain is playing music in the grass and the trees.". ~ George Carlin. #2. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples. "Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." - George Burns. 2. Albert Einstein, German Theoretical Physicist Farts are like children, I'm proud of mine and disgusted by yours. - Phyllis Diller. - from The Notebook 3. Rose MacAulay. Sometimes a fun or funny quote about not working or even underemployment is just the thing to prompt a much-needed smile and offer a refreshing pause in the middle of all the stress. The trouble was, it was my own. - Ashlyn, age 5. I was the troublemaker, always being funny - that's just who I am. - George Bernard Shaw. Find all the ways you can help your prospect.". - Woody Allen. - Voltaire 4. - Steve Martin 2. - Steven Wright say about life quote. - Wendy Leibman. May 23, 2013 - Funny quotes about stupid people. If you hit the target every time it's too near or too big. George Carlin. 17 : Clever , clever , i like it. Do, or do not. A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have. "I know I'm a handful but that's why you got two hands." 2. "The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.". - Danny McGoorty " I am feeling a bit overworked and under intoxicated. Discover and share Funny Quotes About Annoying People. Very funny hub "Constipated People Don't Give A crap." I need to use this in every day life at some point. -Erich Maria Remarque I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. 14."He's so lazy that if there were work in bed, he would rather sleep on the floor.". "Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings." - by Robert Benchley. I'm not a complete idiot. George Bernard Shaw. - Thomas A. Edison. Robert H. Schuller (1993). - David Brent. George Carlin Sometimes we have to see the funny side of life in order to keep going. Charles Schulz. Funny Quotes About Life Woman's Day/Getty Images 1. "Great salespeople are relationship builders who provide value and help their customers win.". 3. There was a learning curve for me. #3: "I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. When they go away, it's a brighter day. Being too nice is almost like a crime nowadays. Show source. Albert Einstein. Albert Einstein. Not everyone has good taste. ~ Peter Drucker 7. - Jules Renard. You love animals, but you eat them. "And sure enough, even waiting will end…if you can just wait long enough.". My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. Robert Rivers. We often read quotes about age and wisdom, but the truth is…. - Yoda, from Star Wars 2. Funny Quotes About the Writing Process. You're my friend, you literally signed up for this.". 10."A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job.". "My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil.". That would have been cool. ~ Pablo Picasso. #2: "I love cleaning up messes I didn't make. 11. "One of the greatest regrets in life is being what others would want you to be, rather than being yourself.". George Burns. Nothing wilts faster than a laurel sat upon." • "You could be the world's best garbage man, the world's best model; it don't matter what you do if you're the best." • "Peace begins with a smile." • "In the long run, the sharpest weapon of all is a kind and gentle spirit." • I think we need more love in the world. Published February 12, 2018. We give you the ultimate list of sarcastic quotes, quoted by some famous people, and some anonymous authors. "A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks." Charles Gordy. 9. It's not being rude, it's called being real. Author Unknown The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. It's funny: people who meet me say, 'I thought you'd be different.' But I'm still the same guy. This is the war. "When I'm too big for you to hold, I'll hold you instead.". 16 : Winston Churchill - killing it with one of his many funny quotes. ~ John Gotti 6. Matt Reeves It's really easy to be funny. ― Mad-D. "If you can't annoy somebody, there's little point in writing." - Kingsley Amis. 12."1st rule of lazy people: If you can't reach it easily, you don't need it! 21. "Robert H Schuller: The Inspirational Writings : Tough Times Never Last, But Tough People Do/Tough Minded Faith for Tender Hearted People", Bbs Publishing Corporation. Life is short, and a snarky attitude can often make daily hardships easier to bear: while some people are bitchy professionally, there are others who find the funny moments naturally in their everyday lives. 20 : Arthur Wellesley - the 1st duke of ellington George Bernard Shaw. "Aging is an extraordinary process where you become the person you always should have been.". "I know I'm a handful but that's why you got two hands." - Unknown "Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor." - Truman Capote "If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito." - Betty Reese "Taking naps sounds so childish. - Jerry Seinfield. Funny quotes about aging. Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. - Charles Lamb " I used to sell furniture for a living. "I wrote a few children's books. - Jenny McCarthy. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. "You can't make everyone happy. "You love flowers, but you cut them. Inspirational Funny Quotes from Movies 1. Life is a blank canvass, and you need to throw all the paint on it you can. You think they're nice until they're chaining you up in the garage.". I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later." —Mitch Hedberg 2. The funny old age quotes continue…. George Carlin on Planets and People "The planet is fine. Funny Quotes for Funny People. Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss. People treat you differently if you can make them laugh. Friend 1: I'm getting a house. I am a queen because I know how to govern myself. Laurence J. Peter. That's what people remember." - by Terry Pratchett. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. "I'm jealous of all the people who haven't met you.". William Faulkner. "Nothing like watching your relatives fight, I always say . " Nobody has ever measured, even the poets, how much a . Les Dawson. There is no "try". Short Funny Quotes To Create a Moment of Happiness in Your Life. "I'm sick of following my dreams, man. Jan 9, 2019 - Explore Skylar Morel's board "quotes about controlling people", followed by 191 people on Pinterest. "Our marriage was the most difficult, grueling, excruciating thing that we have ever taken on in our lives. "Always remember that you are unique - just like everybody else.". 15 : Calvin Coolidge - the 30th president of the united states. People treat you differently if you can make them laugh. "All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage." —Lord Byron (poet) Short Quotes. You're. Margaret Deland. 70+ Bitchy, Funny Quotes About People And Friends. "A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory.". There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it. I hate two-faced people. William Faulkner. "I am currently under construction. 13."Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.". 19 : LOL - loving it truly. Explore. Touch device users, explore by touch or with swipe gestures. So I can see what I'm getting myself into." 2. Oscar Wilde. To go from working with a group of people in a sketch-comedy show on a small network, where it was all about just creating funny stuff, to being on a network show, and the pressures of that, and getting to know the new people who were involved in it. 8. Funny Quotes For Work. peter on July 12, 2012: wow nyc at most annoying times. Funny Quotes 1. 22. Some people are like clouds. But it was an education. Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they'll start using it. "If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.". Cute Quotes. "I miss you like an idiot misses the point." 3. It's a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn't have it. -Unknown Don't fear artificial intelligence. "If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance."—. What am I doing right?" J. P. Getty. A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: Long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest. George Burns When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. Click to tweet I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. - Aristotle " I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. — Jeffrey Gitomer. Votes: 1. Laughter makes us better people who are more connected to . "Gentlemen, you can't fight in here. You can't live your life for other people. - Unknown. Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love. Laughter makes us better people who are more connected to . Published February 12, 2018. Graham: Everyone in my class wants to be a doctor. 5. Say what you feel. But screaming fuck at the top of your lungs for 10 seconds is a lot faster and cheaper!". It's so hard to decide which face to slap first. John Gotti If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter. George Burns. Life is short, and a snarky attitude can often make daily hardships easier to bear: while some people are bitchy professionally, there are others who find the funny moments naturally in their everyday lives. - Unknown. - Gene Fowler. So I became a Mom.". Robert Benchley. "If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.". 31. 114 likes. Explore our collection of motivational and famous quotes by authors you know and love. Like. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. Dwight D. Eisenhower All you do is stare at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead. Unemployment isn't a funny matter for the economy or the millions of unemployed job seekers around the world, but that doesn't mean that those who are out of work have completely lost their senses of humor. 5. :). But a super humid room…but not too humid because, you know.. my hair.". But not today.". 22. "Trust yourself. You get a lot of funny people in a room, the show is funny. "Life is short. These messages when said from the right source can strengthen the incentive power, "There's a little bit of implicit coaching that's happening when you're reading it. Fear natural stupidity. 12."1st rule of lazy people: If you can't reach it easily, you don't need it! It's funny. "Every cynic is a sentimentalist under the skin." —Louis L'Amour (September 1996) 32. Albert Einstein. Writing is easy. 23. - Unknown. Bob Newhart There's only one true superpower amongst human beings, and that is being funny. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. - Ella Harris. 4. 70+ Bitchy, Funny Quotes About People And Friends. "I find television very educational. ― Michael Buckley, The Fairy-Tale Detectives. 12."Retirement, we understand, is great if you are busy, rich and healthy. You know more than you think you do.". By the time I retire, I'll know what I want to be when I grow up. John Dryden. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos… then you probably havent completely understood the situation. 13. See more ideas about quotes, life quotes, inspirational quotes. "That's why crazy people are so dangerous. Steven Wright I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people. People often compare me to other humor essayists. But then, under those conditions, work is great too.". adventure quotes funny travelling quotes funny trip quotes funny quote missing travel quotes in lockdown. 50. So much so, that happiness can sometimes become this abstract notion, a destination rather than a journey. It is a common delusion that you can make things better by talking about them. On the really important things in life, there & # x27 ; t.. Remarque I & # x27 ; s too near or too big patience. quot! Brighten your or someone else & # x27 ; m not a complete idiot ; re my,! Money not to quit insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and different... 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